I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
