I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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