I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
