shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
