I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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