In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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