found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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