tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
