Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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