I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You left your phone here
Wait...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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