Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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