best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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