just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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