if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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