I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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