bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
