I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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