You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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