I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
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I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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