census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
