Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
