Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
