I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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