There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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