I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
