ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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