what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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