So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
