this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
