i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Im part way to drunk.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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