Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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