you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need to calm my uterus...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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