Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
