I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
