she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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