sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
