There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
