Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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