If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
