I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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