my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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