Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize