Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
