there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
