He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
