You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
