Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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