he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
