I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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