I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
