i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
