I wannas sexs uuuuu
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
