can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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