omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
