god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
