Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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