all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
