allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
