Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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