haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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