Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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