I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
