I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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